And the Clouds Burst

So I've started a small independent research project, for my own benefit. The project includes creating a compilation of different doctrines and doctrinal issues of select religions. I think this will be a good chunk of information, for my personal benefit, to be able to know where people are coming from, if ever I encounter them. It's been an interesting project though, learning what other people believe. It's definitely got me thinking about alot of things. You know, everyone who believes in something, desperately believes that they are correct. Even us. We all think that we have it right, but what if none of us has it right? Makes me wonder sometimes....

If you are interested in a copy of my information, let me know, and if I like you, I promise I won't charge you any money for a copy.

I only have 2 weeks left of this internship, and I have mixed feelings on leaving. I'm really enjoying myself and all my friends out here, but I definitely am ready to come back home to all the people I left that I love so much, and back to the life that I know I'm supposed to be leading. I need to get out of this gutter life that I'm in, but it will be difficult, since this time around in the gutter I'm actually enjoying it, unlike last time.

I'm trying hard to waste time here at work, because there is nothing to do, it's raining outside, and I'm super bored. I've been eyeing up my computer mouse cord, with the possible intention of choking myself with it. Yes, folks, that's how it is here in the office. Suicidal thoughts come swiftly while wasting your life away at work.

Not really. But I would like to be given something to do. I'm to the point where I'd gladly pick the lint off someone's shirt if they asked me to.

On that note, I think I will go outside for a few minutes to check up on my trees. Sycamore, that is.

So the other day I was at Walmart. I was going through the checkout and the cashier was like, "Oh, are you Dutch?" I was like, "Actually, no, I'm very Irish." She then proceeded to argue with me, saying that I was Dutch and that I didn't know it! I told her, "No, really, I think I know my own heritage, thank you. I'm quite Irish. I mean, my last name is Kirkpatrick, you really can't get more Irish than that." She absolutely heckled me about being Dutch!! I have no Dutch ancestors whatsoever!! She's like, "Oh, you're probably Dutch and you just don't know it! You definitely look Dutch!" Woman!! I know my ancestors! I know where we came from!! I'M NOT DUTCH!

I think I know where she got the Dutch from. I shall put it in a simple mathematical equation.

Heather + blonde hair + hair in braid = Dutch????

I think not.

Some people are just mental.

So I've recently decided that I hate love. I despise it. All it ever does is bring pain. And I've also decided that I want absolutely nothing to do with it. I am a self-declared stone from now on. I have a good quote about love, which I shall now post.

"Love is almost a direct synonym for pain; the only reason you love something is that you're fearful of the fact that it might go away. If you don't love something, and it leaves or perishes, it wouldn't affect your life."
~David Banner


Yes, love is a direct synonym for pain. And that is why, at least for right now, I've decided that it be best to just leave it alone. I mean, I should not go meddling around in something that I don't understand and that is going to hurt me if I handle it the wrong way. So screw it. I'm done. I am a stone.

Well, good people, I must leave now, and go hike trails all day with a GPS unit backpack to map trails.

You know that mood you get into when you listen to too much Coldplay?

I've been doing some thinking lately. Too much thinking, if you ask me. I've become prone to overanalyzing and complicating life. I believe that God made life simple, and yet man has complicated it. And I'm trying to figure out why I complicate things and why I can't just live simply and happily with the things that have been giving me, instead of trying to read into things and trying to find things on my own. How can I make things simple again, I ask myself. How do I go back to the standard of living that was created for us? How do I forget all the things that make me miserable, accept things for what they are, and truly live?

Too many times I find myself wondering about the ways of the world, the people who inhabit it, and the outcome of all of this. Even though it is probably not worth my time to sit and mull on these things, I do it anyway, asking myself why things are like they are, why do people do the things they do, how will they turn out in the end, and what can I do about it? What if all the things that I have learned turned out to be wrong? What if it was all a giant misunderstanding of sorts, where things were taught to me by another's code or understanding, and they, being taught the same code, have it all wrong? What if, through the centuries, people were being taught the wrong things? What has happened to them? What will happen to me if I have it all wrong? All this time I've taken in my life, and all the things that I have learned and people have taught me, what if that's not really the way it was supposed to be? Maybe, when humans acquired this earth into their own hands, they completely fouled it all up, completely changing everything that was supposed to happen one way, leaving generation upon generation to sit and wonder, "what if.... "

Wednesday = AMAZING TIME AT SIX FLAGS IN NEW JERSEY!!!!

It was seriously incredible.

The park is about a 2 hour drive, which isn't bad at all. On the way back, we got into the most hella-wicked lightning storm I've ever witnessed in my 22.5 years of existence on this planet! It hit about 100 yards from the van, on the other side of the highway!! INCREDIBLE!!!

Nature scares the death out of me. I completely respect it, because it could kill me in an instant.



Poker night tuesday was great! I won AGAIN! I can't wait for next weeks money game!! I'm hoping I can really cash in!!

In other news, I finally got a stupid myspace. I've been roped into it by a bunch of people who have been bugging me for over a year to get one. So I did. Check it out in my links section. Facebook and this livejournal are enough of a GPA killer, now I have this on my hands.

So, I'm thinking that I need to go eat my lunch now. Hamburger Helper = great.

Saw a great movie last week = Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It's about Hunter S. Thompson.  It's a totally off-the-wall insane movie.  Truly awesome.

The air in the Van Awkin house has changed.

I asked Dave if it was ok that I'm still living there, and he says it is, so I'm hoping everyone is cool.  I don't exactly know how, but it seems that things are slightly different there.  I don't know, maybe it's just me.


My parents were here this past weekend.  We went to NYC.  It was nice to go back to the city.  I got to go into the restaurant on Seinfeld, so that was pretty cool.  

Wing night tonite at the Front Line!! Yes!!





My life is a roller coaster.  One month I'm up on the top of the hill, and the next I'm down at the bottom.  






This summer, I'm at the bottom.  The only difference this time at the bottom than any other time is...... I like it here. 

Funny how in such a short time your entire life, all of your goals and plans and all the things you've worked for and strived to want to be, can just change almost instantaneously.  I don't really know  what happened to me, to all the plans I made and the things I wanted.  I just don't seem to really want them right now.  I'm hoping that it's just a phase and I will go back to wanting the life I started to carve for myself.  I don't think any of this is making any sense.  

I'm just not sure about anything anymore.  Even things that I was totally sure on before.  I've been shaken.




Thought for the Day = Some people are meant to be with you forever, others are meant to be with you for a short time.  Make sure you understand who is who.

So, let's just say that I'm in an "open" relationship with Dave.

Meaning we can sleep next to each other and cuddle, but we're not really official and don't call ourselves a couple.

Dave is completely wrong for me, and yet I'm strangely drawn to him. Why must I fall for the bad boys?



I moved in with Dave this past weekend. The Van Awkin house is now PARTY CENTRAL!!
Those living in the house = Dave, Jeff, Ryan, Cat, and me.
I love my new housemates. And I love the house. I love the atmosphere. And I like being away from Lauren (no offense to her, but we just aren't compatible).

Dave has a special name for her, but I don't think I will say it here.

Yesterday was the most incredible 4th of July I've ever had in my life! We went to this party that was hosted by Jeff's girlfriends' friend. It was in this small community surrounding this lake. We partied down at the house, and then went to the beach to blow off fireworks. Dave's insane $358.11 amount of fireworks was maybe a quarter of all the stuff that was there total! We blew off fireworks for like 2.5 hours! INCREDIBLE!!

I'm a little depressed about my situation with Dave. I'm looking for a real relationship, and he's looking for someone to be there for him, and I quote, "I just need someone to hold me and listen to my problems."

Well, for right now, I'm gonna take what I can get. He's not Mr. Right, but he's good at being Mr. For Right Now.

I need to go to Walmart tonite. I think I'm going to make Hamburger Helper for dinner.


For some reason, this desk is crawling with tiny little brown ants, and I don't know why.

I had to evacuate my house last night at 11:00 pm.

I was at Dave's house when I got the call. I had to drive all the way back and move everything to a different house. I took what was important and put everything else on the second floor. Dave came along to help, and I took him back to his house and stayed there.

The river has risen almost 30 feet. My house is going to flood.

All the roads are closed.

The road to the Raymondskill house (the new house that we'll be living in) is closed also.

It's amazing that I made it here to work today. Took me an hour from Dave's house. Normally takes a half hour. I couldn't take the normal road that I take because it's shut down. The water is that high that it reached 209.

Never a dull moment here.

Oh man.

I love being out here for this internship, but somedays are just DULL.

And that's why I'm on here again today.  It's unusual for me to update so many times in a row.


Recent DEWA news = an outbreak of Azalea Gall has made its way into the Rhododendron population at Dingmans Falls.  It is a common spring disease. Pale green, pink, white, or brown fleshy galls, caused by the fungus Exobasidium vaccinii, may develop on leaves, branch tips, and flower parts.  The fungus overwinters within the infected plant. In the late spring and early summer, a whitish coating appears on the swollen plant tissue. This coating produces spores capable of infecting more plants during moist weather. This disease is not usually a serious problem unless wet conditions prevail for long periods of time. Cool, moist weather favors spore development, dispersal, and infection. The disease is often more severe in shaded areas with high humidity.

It's pretty neat stuff.  Looks like cauliflower.

In other news, I plan on going to an outdoor banjo concert with Dave after work today, then dinner with him, and then POKER NIGHT (woot) at Nate's house.  

I have problems with men.  I like them too much.
Problem #1 =  Dave is 28.  I am 22.
Problem #2 = Dave is not a christian, although he does love God, he does not live for Jesus.
Problem #3 = I am leaving in 5.5 weeks.
Problem #4 = I am easily swayed by people/peer pressure.
Problem #5 = I can never meet a man without some kind of emotional problem and/or attachment.

I told myself when I met Dave that it would be silly for me to develop anything or to think of him as more than a friend.



Sigh.

I think I'm a lost cause when it comes to the opposite sex. 

I have poison ivy.

All over my feet.

Remember in the last entry how I talked about going over to Dave's and playing badminton?

Yea. I played barefoot.

And now I have poison ivy all over my feet.

So, let me tell you about my weekend, in between my liberous applications of calamine lotion.

Ahem.



Ok, so friday evening = uneventful.

Saturday = open mic night at 7th Street Coffee. I went up to the coffe shop with full intentions of playing my guitar and singing. When I got there, the place was pretty quiet, not a lot going on, and I asked the dude, "Hey man, open mic night tonite, right?" and he was like, "Yea, as soon as the owner gets here with all the stuff." Well, the owner never showed up with the stuff, and I basically sat around with Dave and Ryan, playing my guitar while they played a wicked game of dominoes. Lauren showed up later in the evening, and we all traipsed over to Daves house. At Dave's I got to jam a little on guitars with Ryan (Dave's housemate, by the way) and that was cool. Then Ryan went to bed, and Lauren decided to be antisocial and go in the house to read a magazine, while Dave and I sat outside, listening to some sweet reggae jams and talking the night away. We left when Lauren came back outside and fully announced she was ready to leave.

Sunday = I successfully completed my goal in doing absolutely nothing. It was great. I woke up, took care of my poison ivy-ed feet, sat around doing wordgame puzzles for like 3 hours, took a 3 hour nap, got up, did more puzzles, made dinner, and sat around like a blob listening to music. The weather was rainy and crappy all day, like it is today, and so it was the perfect day to do absolutely nothing.

Today = I'm at the office right now, and no one else is here, save Lauren and Cathy H., because everyone is at Headquarters at a meeting. So I'm wasting time, not doing anything, because there's nothing to do, and my coffee is a little too sweet because I put too much sugar in it.

If I don't stop typing right now, all kinds of crazy nonsense is gonna start pouring out of my head and onto the keyboard because I'm bored.

Yea, so I said I would update if anything exciting happens, and since I don't have much to do today at work, I shall share my adventures of the night before with you, dear reader.

So, things have been kinda on the edge with my housemate/coworker Lauren. She's kinda introverted, and she comes off cold and heartless, even though she's not really trying to be that way. Anyway, we are like total opposites, where I'm like totally extroverted, and I tend to get along with pretty much everyone, whereas she's kinda introverted and doesn't really like to be all spontaneous and stuff. This doesnt really have anything to do with last night, but it kinda gives you some background info into what I've been dealing with here with her. Like, I'm a pretty random spontaneous person, kinda like "Oh, it's 1:00 in the morning, lets drive to Sharon, PA just for the heck of it... yea we got class tomorrow, but who needs sleep?" (by the way, that actually did happen.) Anyway, so I'm always up for doing whatever, whenever.

So we got off of work yesterday and Lauren drove so she dropped me off at the house and was like, hey I'm going to go check out that one restaurant for a job, and I was like ok cool. I go into the house and there was a text message waiting for me from Dave and he was like, Oh dude, I got the badminton set up, please, please, please come play! and so I was like, I'm down. I decided to go, even though Lauren wasn't home, because I know she doesnt like Dave, and she wouldn't want to go anyway. So I went over to Dave's (and he lives a half hour away) and we had a great time! We played badminton, and made some barbecue chicken wings on the grill, then stoked up a huge fire in the fire pit and just hung out all night talking and stuff. Around midnight, it started to rain, and then it was lighting and thundering out, and I was like, oh man, I don't want to be driving a half hour home in this, and he was like, oh it's cool, just crash here, and I was like, ok cool. So I spent the night at Daves in the spare bedroom. I got up early today, and Dave, being the nice guy that he is, made me a great breakfast of pancakes and bacon. It was tight.

Now, when you live your life by like some crazy code of standards, you know, like, oh no, I got work tomorrow, I can't hang out, then you will miss out on the best times of your life. I had a ball yesterday, and I don't care that I only got a few hours of sleep, cuz being tired today is totally worth the great time I had last night. That's the lesson of the day, folks. To live life to the fullest, do random spontaneous stuff!! In the words of Dave: "Don't be an old fuddy duddy, man, go out there and LIVE!"


Right on, dude.

Things have been going along quite smoothly here in Nowhere, Pennsylvania for the past few weeks. Let me update you, dear reader, on things I have been doing lately.

Two weeks ago my housemate, Red, decided to have a party. It wasn't bad, and I got to meet alot of people that work for the park, including this character named Dave (see below). The party was pretty mild, not alot of craziness, though I did get some extremely amusing audio files on my cell phone of Red in his drunken stupor, going on about radishes and bears. It all started with a story about him going to an ice cream shop, and about 40 minutes later he ended on the subject of bears, with all kinds of inane dribble in between.

Last week was pretty uneventful. Went to a few training seminars that turned out to be pretty pointless. One of them was a drivers training thing because we drive the government vehicles. So here I'm thinking it's going to be something useful. Oh no! Because most accidents involving government vehicles are due to backing up, we had to drive the course backwards!! I feel that, after that, I should be able to drive the whole park backwards! The other seminar was supposed to be a critical incident seminar, training us on how to deal with incidents (like if someone dies and you're there). I'm thinkin that maybe this will be useful, unlike the driving thing. Oh no! This guy got up and told us about stress, and how personality types create stress. Then he did a few magic tricks and gave us some personality tests to fill out, not once mentioning anything about critical incidents. 2 days of my life, wasted, with no way of getting them back!

Yesterday we went over to this guy Dave's house for some Texas Hold'em. It has now been established that all tuesday nights from now on are poker nights. Dave works for maintenance and he's a real nut. He's 28 years old and is as immature as it gets. He only works seasonally, and in the winter he sits back and collects unemployment. He's been doing this for years, and has been able to live just fine like this. They say there's a fine line between genius and insanity, and I think his line is perforated.

Today we finished our second day of water sampling for the week. At Bushkill we got swept away in a strong current. We approached a small island and the currents around the island were so strong that we could not go back upstream. So we paddled like mad to reach the shore, then got the canoe out and carried it back to our original launch site. Todays adventure has prompted canoe lessons from our boss.

Tonite there is a party that I may attend. Haven't decided yet. All depends on how tired I am. Other than those few things, life is as dull as it gets around here. If anything exciting happens, I'll be sure to post, but since this is Milford, I doubt anything exciting will happen.

Well, I'm here in Pennsylvania and have been for about 4 weeks. I'm located in Milford, PA, which is basically in the middle of Nowhere, where the closest gleaming metropolises are either 1.5 hours away (NYC) or 3 hours away (Philly).  There's really nothing to do here unless you're between the ages 40-85 and like going to antique shops and linen stores.  The town has one traffic light.  Basically, the entire town revolves, if you will, around that light.  They do have a library (in an old house), and a grocery store (that's way overpriced), and an inn/restaurant (that's also overpriced), and that's about it.  Night life is virtually non-existent, unless you count the Milford Diner, which is open until 10pm.  

There is a Walmart Super Center about 5 miles from town, and they're open 24 hours.  The Walmart is about as happening as it gets.  I've already run into people there that I know.  It's the place to be, folks.  You can get lettuce and lingerie all in the same place!!!  It's so convenient, I don't even know what to do with myself!!

I'm working for the National Park Service in Delaware water Gap National Recreation Area.  My job forces me to get up at 6:30 am every weekday morning.  And because I'm such a night person, I basically have to force myself to go to bed at about 10:30 every evening to ensure that I don't either a) sleep through my alarm and be late for work or b) look like death incarnate all day, speaking in a series of grunts and moans before I get my morning coffee at the office at 8:00 am.  

At my job, I do alot of sitting around, pretending I'm doing something useful.  Unless it's a sampling week, I don't do a whole lot.  The following is a list of the work that I do:
>Water sampling every 2 weeks = putting on waders and going out in a canoe for two days gathering water samples, then bringing them back to the lab to do tests
>Eagle nest monitoring = hiking out to bald eagle nests to see how they're doing, make sure the young are still there, etc.
>Being Al's Minion = doing various things that my boss, Al, wants, such as planting trees, putting up fencing around said trees, watering said trees, etc.

And that's about it.  So much of my time is spent in the lab reading a field guide, or some other book, and trying to keep my upper eyelids from my lower eyelids.  This week is better, because there are some training sessions I'm going to, but still.  

I've been living in a house along the river at Milford Beach.  The beach is a public area, so picture the Marina at the Metro Parks, with the big parking lot and the river access, then build a house near the river in the trees.  Yeah.  That's what it's like here.  For the first three weeks I was by myself, which was definitely not the most pleasant of experiences.  The house makes strange noises, and when you're by yourself, they're amplified about 80 times.  Not to mention the strange "ball-dropping" noise that you can set your watch to (you'll have to ask me about that one).  The following is a list of things about the house:
>Built in 1910
>Houses interns, lifeguards, seasonals, etc.
>Has an infestation of various insects, spiders, and other creepy crawlies (such as the Cave Cricket)
>Located on public land so anyone is free to come around near the house and do whatever it is that they're doing out there in the parking lot at  1:00 am
>Frequented by a crazy woman in a wheelchair who claims she is an ordained minister and likes to speak strange nonsense (she's definitely a little off, to put it nicely)
>Crawling with about 8,000 people from NYC on the weekends.
2 people have, within the past week, moved into the house, so it's definitely alot better.

So, in my spare time, I do alot of reading and guitar playing.  And talking on the phone.  It's been kind of cold lately, so haven't done too much outside (went hiking yesterday).  I've made friends with some kid from maintenance, some waitresses at the Diner, and the dudes who own the coffee shop.  

Yes, people, my life is sad and boring.  When I actually do go out sampling, that's fun, and that's about the highlight of my week.  

If you want to send me some mail (PLEASE!!), you can call me for the address here.  In the meantime, you all have fun living near the city, doing city things and actually living, while I hang around here, reading and smashing cave crickets in my living room.  

Peace out!!!

Update of the past week (or so):
(Not necessarily in chronological order)

>Went out last thursday with everyone from the PCC. Will probably be the last time in my life I ever do that.
>Went hiking with Abbey Wabbey on saturday all throughout the Cuyahoga National Valley. Saw 3 snakes, a bunch of turtles, a yellow warbler, a muskrat, and some wild turkeys. It was great! We went from about 9:30 in the morn till about 6:30. It was amazing! Great bonding time with my Bubba!
>Studied all day sunday for chem final
>Yesterday = chem final. Gross.
>Also yesterday = layed in the sun for 3.5 hours, and got totally crisped. Painfully crisped. Let's just say that Heinz tomato ketchup has nothing compared to me!
>Today = vert final. Ugh.
>Just found out that my Algebra final was supposed to be yesterday @ 5:45 (OOPS!!) and I thought it was thursday @ 5:45. Well, now I am taking it thursday, only @ 3:15.
>Packed all day today. I'm just about ready to get outta here!!! WOOT!!
>Found out that I have to leave monday morning at literally 5:00 am to go to my internship because the office is closed on the weekend so no one will be there to let me in. It's a 10 hour drive and I have to get there by 4:30 so that means that I have to leave @ 5:00 am. No exceptions. The coffee pot will be busy that morning!!
>Anthony is leaving me. He's becoming a real adult. I'm scared for my graduation now, when I have to become a real adult. I'll miss you, Anthony.

So, other than wasting time right now instead of studying for Morph of Lower Plants, that's about it.

And it smells strongly of maple syrup in here.

Things are going AMAZINGLY!!! God is wonderful, and my life is back on track!! I am so happy!!! And I am so glad that I have stopped denying my one true love!

I don't know what else to say...

This week has been terrific!

I saw the most interesting thing today.

I was down in the open lounge of McDowell playing my guitar. This group of 5 black guys that looked pretty big and tough came up to the lounge and were hangin around for a bit, talking and stuff, and I just sat there quietly playing my guitar. Then they started rehearsing this dance/song bit and so I stopped playing to watch. One of them asked me if I minded and I was like, oh no, as long as you don't mind me watching. And so I sat there, mezmerized by what they were doing, for about a half hour. I didn't want to leave; I really enjoyed watching them. The moves and things they were doing were really hard, and I thought it was really cool. It was neat to get a glimpse into a culture that I know nothing about.

It is interesting how different blacks and whites are, but I think it's cool. I think racism is completely retarded and that we should embrace our differences. It was definitely an interesting learning experience.

Thank You, Papa, for allowing me to see that today. Thanks for everything You're doing. And thank You again for helping me find my true self again.

Oh man, so Rachel (Ron's fiance) nearly died this morning. Apparently around 3:00 am she had a seizure and blacked out. Luckily Rhonda heard the thud of her landing and found Rachel laying on the floor. She had stopped breathing. Praise God that she's ok now. They rushed her to the hospital and she woke up and everything. I talked to her today so she's doing ok now, but definitely gave everyone quite a scare. Praise You, God, for being there with her!! She goes back to the hospital tomorrow for an EKG. Let's pray that it's nothing. Thanks for being with her, Papa!

This has been an incredibly amazing day.

So many wondeful things have happened today! I don't know where to begin....

I guess I'll go with the best thing that has happened =

Ron called me.... RON CALLED ME!!!!

I was completely shocked!! Ron, my old best friend of 7 years, the one whom I went through all that drama and crap with, the one who stole my heart and did the can-can on it, whom I had gone through so many incredible things with, called me!!! It was amazing!!! We talked for about an hour, but the words I'll never forget that he said are =

"I just want to tell you that I'm looking forward to the day when things will be like they used to be. I want you to know that you're not the only one who is looking forward to that, but that I am also. Whether it be soon or 6 months from now, I know that things will get back to the way they were, and I'm looking forward to that day."

I started crying!! It was amazing!! I had been feeling for so long that our friendship had meant more to me than it did to him, but apparantly he misses what we used to have too! And that is so amazing.... I can't thank God enough for that today!!

Everything else that happened today doesn't even compare to that, but they were awesome too! Like having the most incredible compliment from Dr. Andreas about my writing intensive paper! That was incredible!! And just the whole feeling of accomplishment on overcoming this problem.

I followed what God wanted me to do, and He blessed me incredibly!!!! THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS!!!! You have given me an incredible new joy and I know that as I type this right now, You are filling me with a brand new hope and joy. Thank You for Your faithfulness and for never giving up on me, and most importantly, for knowing better for me than I know for myself!! I know now that this entire semester was a test from You to see if I would follow You and what You wanted throughout this trouble. I'm sorry for being so stubborn!!! THANK YOU PAPA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did it.

I finally overcame my stubborn-ness and my shame and I told some people about my problem.

This whole time I've been going through this, telling myself that I could do this on my own, that I didn't need anyone to help me, that I could stop this on my own. God finally told me that I couldn't do it. He told me that I need other people to help. He showed me that I must listen to James 5:16, which says "Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." I finally realized that I can't do this and that I need others.

I sent Rhonda an email telling her what's been going on. I talked to Lauren on the phone. I broke down and finally told Jess, who should have been the first one I should have gone to, and I haven't gotten to Abbey yet since she was gone this weekend, but she's next.

And you know what? I feel better already, knowing that people know about this and that I have support. That's what I've been lacking this whole time.

Buildings need a foundation to support them so that they stand. Animals have vertebral columns to support their weight. Plants have vascular cambium to support them, so they can grow tall. I need support so that I can grow and stand tall in Christ. I've learned now the value of a strong network. I always took it for granted before, because I never thought it would go away. But then God took it from me, and it took me awhile, but I've now finally realized that I need the support, that I can't just give up and start over on my own.

Wow. Thanks Papa!! You are amazing!! I love You!!!

Happy Earth Day!!

Today a few of us from the PCC worked out in the Alumni garden by the greenhouse. We dug a new stream bed and built a new one with these large rocks. It was a lot of work but definitely a lot of fun!! I am exhausted though! Got some great pictures that I posted up on the Facebook.

I hung out with Jason and Bill tonite. Those two are so incredibly irritating sometimes. Jason just has too much of an attitude and Bill... well, Bill is just Bill. I love em, but man. I guess I have a short temper.

I really need some intervention. God, please. I know that You want me to do this on me own. And I also know that I'm not trying hard enough. I'm sorry, Papa. Please forgive me.

Prayers for me please!! I could really use them! Thanks!

I feel weird going to church tomorrow after everything that has happened this week. I can't just go there, put on my "Christian" face and pretend to stand there and worship when I feel like crap and completely disconnected from God. I want so much to just go back to my old self, before all that stuff happened with Ron, when I was totally connected to God. I know that things will never go back to the way they were, but I just wish that I could be as strong now as I was then. I'm so weak. I can barely stand. I used to be so much stronger in my faith. Now, I've fallen into this pit and I can't seem to get myself out of it no matter how hard I try. It's so incredibly frustrating because all I want to do is get back to where I used to be. Please help me, God!

Please pray for me. Pray that I can find the strength to get myself out of this trench that I've dug. I hate it down here. I just want to be back with God again.

The weather right now totally matches my mood....

Cloudy and rainy.

Earlier it was nice out. Around 2:00 today, Mike, Anthony, Lori and myself went to the wetland on campus and picked up a bunch of trash. It was awesome. We got 4 giant bags full of trash. It feels good to do things in the name of Conservation.

Tomorrow the Plant Conservation Club is going to do a bunch of work for Chris, the greenhouse guy. We'll be doing some mulching and moving some big stones around over in the Alumni Garden next to the greenhouse. That should be fun, providing the weather is nice. I'm sad that Anthony isn't going though.

I was doing some reflecting today... thinking about the past semester and all the things that have happened in the past 6 months or so. It's sad that I had to leave everyone. I wish I had a church to call home now. I needed to leave Fulton... I just couldn't stay after all that had happened. But I can't go looking for a church now because 1) I'm in Kent and 2) I'm leaving May 14 for my internship and will be gone for 12 weeks. It makes me sad when I think about everyone back home. I just don't belong there anymore. Things are too weird and I'm too distant from everyone. Thinking of all that and the weather right now has made me sad. Sometimes I just wish I could pack up everything and just move away permanently.... forget everyone back home and everyone here in Kent.... Just start over completely and carve a niche out for myself somewhere new. But, I know that everything has happened to make me stronger. The Lord will use it all for His glory. He allowed these things to happen so that I may learn. Thanks Papa. You're so great.

I need to try harder. I need to push myself more.

Papa, please make me into the person I once was... I'm tired of this residue of the old me. I need a complete re-transformation.